It’s Thomas Paine day. He is my most favorite historical figure of all time. I LOVE him. I own Common Sense. I have read Common Sense. I love common sense and Common Sense. When I am asked the question who would you invite to a dinner party and why I ALWAYS respond Thomas Paine. I think he would be the most fun of all. Everyone would go around and say their accomplishments and then T-Paine would say, “Oh those are cool. Yeah, I spurred on the Colonies to become the United States…so… yeah.” Other guests on the list would be, Ferris Bueller, John Mayer, Leonardo da Vinci. There are others, but those are the only ones I could think of off the top of my brain.
I love that he was so revolutionary in his thinking. And that he was a really great writer. And that he was the original T-Paine. Fun fact: Thomas Paine signed his name T. Paine. I would love for T-Pain and T-Paine to meet. I don’t know that they would be the best of friends. But maybe, you never know. Maybe they both like gardening or something.
After looking up some interesting things on Thomas Paine, I found out that he was buried on his farm in New York. But some dude thought he needed to be buried back in England. He dug up his bones and decided to take them to England. But his bones never got buried. And now they don’t know where they are. It’s a mystery. Just your regular old case of missing human remains.
Here are some T-Paine quotes that I like from Common Sense:
This new world hath been the asylum for the persecuted lovers of civil and religious liberty from every part of Europe. Hither have they fled, not from the tender embraces of the mother, but from the cruelty of the monster; and it is so far true of England, that the same tyranny which drove the first emigrants from home, pursues their descendants still.
We have it in our power to begin the world over again.
Here are some T-Pain quotes that I like:
It gives you the classic T-Pain sound. I mean, it makes you sound awesome. If you ever want to sound good while you’re singing — you’re going to need this.
I’m a really tech-savvy guy, so I know a lot about technology.
Back to other cool things about Thomas Paine. Schoolhouse Rock does a really great job capturing the highlights of this country, the education system and an other menagerie of useful knowledge. But they do talk about Thomas Paine, in a rather unknown Schoolhouse Rock video called Fireworks. For your viewing pleasure, Fireworks.
I wish there was a Schoolhouse Rock about The Celebrationist. It would be so great and hilarious. I would love it.
SIDENOTE: I have to tell you an outrageous story. Last week, when that huge mafia bust happened and a bajillion gangsters got arrested, one of the papers was talking about how many of them had hilarious nicknames. And then it listed some of the nicknames. Tony Bagels. One of the mafia members was named Tony Bagels. I died. Tony Bagels. This scene played in my head:
Gangster: Hey. Who is picking up Vinny tonight?
Mobster: I got Tony to do it.
Mobster: Yeah, Tony Bagels.
Gangster: Oh… Tony Bagels he’s a good guy.
And now, back to Thomas Paine.
At dinner Chelsie made Thomas Paine a cheerleading poster, like the ones she used to make in high school.
I wanted to combine Both T-Pain(e)s. So I did. Prepare yourself.
That is me reading the last paragraph of the introduction to Common Sense. It’s very awkward. I apologize. I do these things for you. I wish there were some beats in the background of my Common Sense autotuned reading. I hope you enjoyed Thomas Paine day. And I hope that you enjoyed me read/sing/rapping Common Sense.
Thomas “Tony Bagels” Paine