Monthly Archives: July 2011

Dear World,

Dear World,

It’s Harry Potter’s birthday. I’m moving into my new apartment and it’s just wonderful. I don’t have much to update. We are trying to get as much done as possible before tomorrow. I love you dearly. Please watch a Harry Potter movie immediately in honor of his birthday.

Sincerely,

I live in Chicago now.

PS: Always a Bartian.

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A Family Comedy

Comedy Day is going to be an adventure for both of us. I’m in a Uhaul with my parents and I’m going to blog all day long. I’ll be updating periodically across our trek. I am not even out of the Bartlesville city limits and I have already thought of how badly I want an Ambien.

There are a few things you should know about my family traveling. My dad has the unique ability to purchase the most heinous smelling snacks from gas stations. He’s been known to consume hot dogs that have been rolling on that cooker since the dawn of time and pickles that come in a bag floating in their own juices. I made is as clear as I could today when I was purchasing Combos that if he tried to buy processed meats from a gas station I would physically harm him.

My mom and I thought it would have been hilarious if we would have taken an Ambien and not told my dad. We would have dozed off for the entire day, which isn’t far from what I’ll probably do at some point.

So, please keep checking in today for various updates and hilarious things that happen. I’m sitting on a tiny little jump seat, so things are already awesome.

Sincerely,

21 Jump Seat

UPDATE 11:15 a.m.

Well for the last hour we have listened to Aziz Ansari’s stand up album. Which is quite fitting with Comedy Day. I’ve also opened the Combos. My knees are starting to ache a small amount. Things are looking good.

Sincerely,

Sonic forest, I totally get you now.

UPDATE 1:15 p.m.

We made it to Springfield, MO. My body is starting to ache. The jump seat is really taking a toll. My pain is also partly due to the fact that my neck wobbles when I try to sleep.

Here’s an interesting fact about Uhaul trucks, the floor gets scalding hot. It melted a peach ring into a peach puddle. Remember when you were a kid and you played ‘The Ground is Lava’ in your living room? Well, the ground here is really lava.

And now I’m eating lunch at a Cracker Barrel. Cracker Barrels are the place you stop when you are driving a place. And we are driving a place. So, we are here.

I love to solve little metal puzzles. Like the ones that have two nails twisted together and you have to get them apart. So one time when I was a wee tot on my way to Kanakuk, I bought a puzzle at a Cracker Barrel.

We are checking out and the man solves it right in front of me!!!! It was the rudest thing of all time. That’s like renting a movie and having the guy tell you the ending. Needless to say I still have some unresolved issues with that Cracker Barrel employee.

Sincerely,

Steve ordered chicken livers.

UPDATE 3:54 p.m.

This part of the journey has been ‘interesting things on the side of the road’.

I’ve seen the Biggest Gift Shop Ever and the Largest Selection of Jigsaw Puzzles. Both looked like real profitable institutions. Missouri should really be called the The Factory Outlet of Unnecessary Items State, it just seems fitting.

My mom and I brought Harry Potter movies to watch on the ‘DVD’ player. Except my dad grabbed the tiny netbook computer without a place to put in a cd. And I forgot my computer charger.

We stopped just a second ago to go to the bathroom and it was raining. I absolutely loath getting rained on. So I run into the gas station and I sort of make a scene as I burst through the doors. But standing there in front of me was a man that looked exactly like Kevin Richardson, the missing Backstreet Boy from the concert last week.

We are getting tired of being in the car and by car I do mean three across in a Uhaul.

Sincerely,

No movie watching.

UPDATE 6:15 p.m.

Well since my last update I have napped and seen the sights of the road. We made it through St. Louis and I saw this!

20110730-061706.jpg

While I would like to take credit for that photo, I cannot. I was all prepared for photo greatness and I took this.

20110730-061911.jpg

Less than thrilling, I know. I got all fussy and took another terrible picture and the said this, “Eff you The Arch, eff you.” I didn’t actually utter curse words, my parents are here for goodness sake! But my dad thankfully snatched one great shot of the arch.

The first time I ever went to St. Louis I was baffled to discover that the arch isn’t white. It photographs white. But that is only because the steel, which is silver in color, reflects the sun and then shows up in pictures as white.

Now we are driving through the rest of Missouri and on into Illinois. There is a lot of corn. A LOT. It goes on for miles and miles. And that got me thinking about crop circles. I have no desire to ever participate in crop circle making. Mainly because I’m not trying to lure aliens to Earth, but also because it seems extremely difficult.

Nothing extremely hilarious is happening. Car riding is much less humorous than I had initially imagined. We don’t have much further for today. And hopefully we are going to see a movie when we stop.

Sincerely,

I keep waiting for hobbits to pop out of the corn fields. Or children of the corn.

UPDATE 8:48 p.m.

We have stopped for the night. I’m in Springfield, Il. It’s my second Springfield for the day. We are about 3 hours away from Chicago. I don’t think anything too crazy happened. Aside from the fact that when we got to the hotel and I got my bag out of the back, the torrential downpour we had been driving in had absorbed into my nice Vera Bradley bag and got all of my clothes wet and caused me to use a runon sentence. So that was great.

We are to tired to go to a movie. Pay Per View it is. Funny story, when I was little I thought it was called Paper View. When I say little I mean much old enough to know that it was called Pay Per View.

This concludes Comedy Day. I hope that you enjoyed my updates. And I hope you laughed at least one half of a time.

Sincerely,

Wish I could apparate to my apartment.

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A thing I love.

It’s Lipstick Day and I love lipstick. I went to Tulsa today and I headed to my most favorite make-up counter, MAC. MAC has this great program that let’s you get a free lipstick if you recycle 6 empty make-up containers. Well, I’ve had these empty containers sitting around for ages and ages.

So, I’m there, looking at lipsticks and I am having the hardest time deciding which one to get. Well, I finally settled upon a lipstick called Rebel. It’s kind of purpley pink. I also got a lip gloss called Pink Lemonade. They look very pretty together. I’m very pleased with my one free lipstick and my purchased gloss.

I have always loved lipstick and lip gloss. Currently, I have 4 different lipsticks in my purse and that’s only in my purse. It’s sort of a bad habit. I’m sure that the statistic that women eat an average of 7 pounds of lipstick in their lifetime is shattered by me. I am probably up to 7 pounds and I’m only almost 22. I mean I’m not saying I should be on that show Freaky Eaters, but I’m not saying I won’t be there in 30 years.

I also found some cute things to wear to work. I purchased the most lovely yellow dress. I love yellow, it’s my most favorite color. I can’t wait to show you all pictures of my new apartment and all the yellowness that will reside within it’s walls.

I leave in the morning. I am packing my last boxes. They are mainly consisting of the last of my laundry and all of my bathroom things. I can’t believe that I am really moving there. I can’t wait until Sunday night, when I’m finally all settled in.

Are people from Chicago called Chicagoans? I mean it doesn’t really matter, I will claim Bartian forever. Mainly because Bartian is the greatest thing to be called, but partly because I love Bartlesville and always will.

Tomorrow is Comedy Day, which is fitting because I’ll be in a Uhaul, riding on a jumpseat in the middle of my parents. It’s going to rule.

Sincerely,

MAC, I’m not sponsored by you either, but feel free to put me on the payroll.

PS: Apple Computers has more money on hand than the US government. Spooky.

PPS: Brian Williams was on Jimmy Fallon tonight. They were talking about the debt crisis and the fact that Apple has more money than the US. Brian Williams comments, “Well, they make way cooler stuff.” And that’s why I love Brian Williams.

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NCMD

That stands for National Chocolate Milk Day and that’s what I’m celebrating. Chocolate milk is like the king of milk. If you live in this part of the United States, and by this part I mean the part near Oklahoma, you know about Braum’s. Braum’s has the most delicious chocolate milk. It’s basically like a melted milkshake.

Tonight, I wasn’t in the mood to drive to Braum’s so I made my own chocolate milk. Much less milkshake like, but I made it with my bare hands. Milk and Hersey’s chocolate syrup. It was delicious. However, as soon as I drank it my back started hurting. Probably not related, nevertheless I blame the milk.

I am also packed, almost entirely. It’s very strange. There are so many boxes in my garage that I honestly don’t know what is inside them anymore. It’s going to be like going shopping when I open them. Two sleeps and I’ll be there! Counting things by sleeps is the greatest way to count. The main thing I always count by sleeps is the countdown to Christmas.

So, I drank chocolate milk and packed and I am still searching for a square or rectangle lampshade (although I’ve been told that’s the last thing on earth to be stressed out about). Things are dwindling down here in Oklahoma. I start work on Monday. It’s like I have a real life. I’ve made it out of adulthood purgatory into the Elysian Fields of Chicago. My Mythology class really did me well, although my grades would have suggested otherwise.

I go to Chicago for a week and come directly back to Oklahoma for a wedding. My two sweet friends are getting married. I’ve known the groom since 8th grade and the bride since freshman year of college. All of my friends from high school and college will be there. It’s going to be great.

I hope that if you celebrate along with me, which I doubt you do because you have far more important lives with far more important things to do, I hope your chocolate milk was delectable. And didn’t make your back hurt.

Sincerely,

Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.

PS: I’m interested in cracking into the StumbleUpon world. If you click on comments I think there is an option to add this to StumbleUpon. I’d just love it if you did that.

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Parents.

It’s Parents Day. And I’m sitting down to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 for the 2nd time with my mom. So I’ll update later.

Sincerely,

Ravenclaw Rules.

UPDATE: Well, in honor of Parents Day, my mom and I went to see Harry Potter for the second time. We both love Harry quite a lot, although my favorite minor characters are Kingsley Shacklebolt, Fred and George and Neville. But mainly Kingsley Shacklebolt.

Anyway, we would have brought my dad, but he doesn’t understand how important Harry Potter is. But I will tell you about both my parents.

Steve and Beth

They are lots of fun. They taught me everything I know about being hilarious. I was raised in a humor filled environment. I still am.

These are my parents when they were my age.

Almost matching hairstyles means you are in love.

They have taken great care in getting me ready to move to Chicago. I had most of my furniture, but I was severely lacking all of my kitchen things. My mom made this comment today, “It’s like you are getting married, except you aren’t and I’m buying all the shower gifts.”

Needless to say, we have purchased lots of kitchen things. My dad has dutifully purchased me more tools that I will ever in my entire lifetime. I have a small saw if that tells you anything.

To further my celebration of Parents Day, we will all three be driving a Uhaul to Chicago on Saturday. It’s going to be the greatest. I get to sit in the middle. I can’t wait. But I get to move to Chicago, so I suppose it’s all worth it.

Sincerely,

The oldest child.

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Ants and Uncles

I say ‘aunts’ the same way I say ‘ants’. I do not approve or support ‘onts’. Now that we have set things straight, it’s Aunts and Uncles Day. Now, I have some of those, not as many as I have cousins, but I’ve got a decent amount.

I’ll start with my mom’s side of the family. She has two sisters. Becky is the in the middle and Barbara is the youngest.

This is Becky and Steve.

The 80s ruled.

Who are Curt -n- Andi? They sound nice.

This is much more recent.

They have been married for 21 years. I like them very much. As you recall from a previous post, this is my uncle that swam the spooky pool for a bet from my father and this is my aunt that can quote anything from the movie Arthur. They make me laugh. My uncle Steve always asks me the best ‘what’s going on in your life’ question. Never general. Always interesting. So there’s Becky and Steve Armstrong.

This is Barbara and Johnny.

I got to go to their wedding!!

Barbara no longer has brown hair and you all already know Johnny from Cowboy Day. I like them too. They too are fun, fun is theme here on Aunt and Uncle Day. Barbara has a knack for paint colors and directions. Johnny, like I already informed you, like dark beers and laughing and cow wrangling. I live in the same town as them (and Becky and Steve).

And now for my dad’s side of things. These are his sisters.

This is Debbie and Randy.

I don't know where they are, but it looks nautical!

When I was little I called Randy ‘Bundy’. I don’t get to see Debbie and Randy as much as I would like, but they just moved to a suburb of Chicago! I’m moving there in 5 days! So hopefully I will get to see them much more often. They will be my nearest family! Oklahoma and Chicago aren’t so close if you weren’t too keen on geography. Debbie and Randy are so sweet and so fun. And Debbie has a really great purple coat!

This is Melinda and Rich.

Nautical themed again!

Rich is in the Coast Guard. He’s kind of a big deal. People know him. My aunt Melinda came to visit Oklahoma a few days ago. It was so good to see her. I only see them about once a year. Melinda and Rich live in New Jersey. Rich always has really cool Coast Guard stories. We all went to the beach one time and he identified all the planes/helicopters for us.

My aunt Melinda really takes the cake on Aunt and Uncle Day. I apologize to the rest of my aunts and uncles, but she totally wins. She works for Mars Chocolate. She always brings us candy. As we were chatting the other night I discovered the Combos, my most favorite snack in all the land, is a Mars product!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, those were all necessary.

She just couldn’t believe that I loved Combos. Apparently, the target market for Combos is not almost 22 year old post college blonde haired blogging females. I love them so. I told Melinda I would chat about things I love about Combos. Like how to eat them and why they rule. So here goes.

I have told you about my love of Combos before. I pinky promise I am not sponsored by Combos; however, I’m not saying I wouldn’t love it. But I do have an extremely intense love of Combos. I realize that not everyone may know what a Combo is or how to consume one, don’t worry I’m here to help you!! This is a Combo! (While searching for a picture, I found their website!!!)

Naturally, the blue bag is leading the force.

Here’s what you need to know. First of all, if you are eating Combos, you are eating junk food. Realize this, and don’t turn the bag around. You don’t read the back of the Pringles can when you eat the entire can. Next, the cheese inside rules. It’s sort of like an Oreo. Those cookies are just the cream holders. With Combos, the outside is just the cheese holder. So eat this part first. Try to successfully have only the cheese left. If this happens to you, pump your fist in celebration!!

Now you know. Don’t you feel better about your snack time abilities. You should, you really should. Also, if you happen to drive a 2005 Jeep Liberty, the bag of Combos in the picture fits perfectly between the emergency break and your console. I encourage you to come up with your own way to eat a Combo. I have other favorites, but I’m pressed for time. Maybe I’ll share them with you later. We can both stop pretending this will be my last time to mention Combos on this blog.

Sincerely,

Promoting snack time abilities since always.

PS: I’m watching Jimmy Fallon and he just mentioned Combos in a bit with Steve Carrell. Go Combos!!

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Pioneer

When you think of pioneers who do you think of? Louis and Clark? The West? The play they perform in the movie Waiting for Guffman? I seriously doubt any of those things crossed your mind, because the first thing that I thought of was the computer game The Oregon Trail.

That game ruled. It still rules! I’m almost certain that you can play that on your iPhone. Which is great, because everyone needs to have access to dysentery on the go! Oregon Trail taught you all kinds of things. How to manage your money, how to make important decisions, how to ration your food, how to float a river in your covered wagon and the severity of a broken arm on the trail.

Everyone got dysentery on The Oregon Trail. At least one member of  your family died. AT LEAST. And you always had that moral battle on whether or not to take time and energy to build them a proper grave. I can’t believe they let us play this. But they were pioneers. Blazing a trail out west. Floating rivers. Fending off attacks. Things got serious quick.

I can’t remember if  you got to name the people with you or not. I sort of feel like you didn’t, because Kevin and David always had broken arms and I didn’t name anyone Kevin or David. If you are the one human that missed playing The Oregon Trail, I’m sorry that you don’t know how much corn is a good trade for an axe. We were learning the important things in computer class. The real important things.

I played Oregon Trail in my 6th grade computer class with Mr. Rovenstein. The only way we could play was if we finished our typing lessons. Well there were only two computers with Oregon Trail on them, and it was a first come first served basis. I very rarely got to play. I usually just assisted my friends with far superior typing skills that had finished before me. (If only they could see me now! This blog really amps up my WPM.)

So there’s that. It’s practically like you went to middle school with me now.

Sincerely,

Dysentery free.

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