Did you know that stewardess is the longest word you can type on a keyboard with one hand? Well, it is and now you know.

It’s also Flight Attendant Safety Professionals Day. I have a weird habit when I’m on planes. When they tell you to look at the safety instructions in your seat back, I do. Not because I’m concerned about the safety precautions, but because I’m interested in seeing how awkward the pictures are. And they’re always awkward.

Every time I am on a plane I plot how to snatch the safety instructions. Aside from tearing off the tags from my mattress this is my largest crime. So on my way home from a trip with a close friend, she had the perfect opportunity to snatch them for me and she did!!

So now, let me walk you through the strangeness of the EMB American Eagle flight. Keep in mind that this is on the back of the instructions.


Moving on, here is our first section for discussion. Here’s what I take from the pictures. Remove door. Make sure you are wearing your blue coat. Immediately remove your blue coat and paint yourself tan. Find a giant person that reaches to the ground to jump down first so that you can climb on their back.

I mean, that’s just what I took from the pictures. I could be wrong.

Abandon your blue jacket.

Does it seem like the plane landed safely? How about you just taxi me to the gate big guy?

The following safety instructions are for a water or land exit. Here is what I took from this.

Get that invisible guy out of the way, he is useless. Ensconce yourself in tan paint. Hardly move your arms in order to remove the door. Take of your tan painted cropped jacket. Exit onto the wing. Find a green arrow to surf to safety. Abandon everyone else.

That plane has some serious floatation power.

Lastly, don’t screw up. The President will be watching you the entire time.

Staring. Always staring.

I hope that you feel safer. I know I do. If you work for American Airlines, I’m sorry I took your safety guide, sort of. I wish that I could have snatched a safety guide with real people in the pictures. Those are the most hilarious. They usually haven’t been re-done since 1998.


Tan cartoons really get the point across.



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2 responses to “Stewardess

  1. Great Holiday and great post. I feel like I have gone through this fun process of actually acting out the airplane safety manual. You. Me. Peter. After a riveting stay at the Durango airport.

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