Please don’t be mad.

Please don’t be mad at me. This blog is going to be a little sadder and much darker than usual. It’s Senior Citizens Day, a day to appreciate the elderly. I love the elderly. A lot actually.

But today, when I started pondering celebrations, I kept thinking about someday when I was old. While she is no where near senior citizen age, she has aged the way women should age. I hope on my way to senior citizenry I age as gracefully as Lauren Hutton has.

Anyway, someday I’ll be very very old. I’m ok with that. As long as I am happy and have crossed a few more things off my bucket list I’m fine with being old. I’m thrilled actually, movie tickets are NOT cheap and I am not a student anymore. But eventually when you are old, you die. I’m sorry if I ruined the ending for anyone. It’s true, you will and I will. I’m also fine with this. I know where I’m going. I’ll meet my maker and that is the most thrilling thing of all. However, this brings me to my topic of discussion. Leaving this world is so expensive. There could not be something less honoring of a senior citizen.

So now I’ll present you with how I want my funeral to operate. Please understand that I mean this in the happiest way possible. I don’t want you to get weird about this. I’ve just pondered this fairly extensively. I played end of the world games for goodness sake and you all got over that fairly well, I think.

A funeral is a celebration of the life that that person lived, not a celebration of the death that occurred. So, talk about the things that the person did during their life. Options for discussion at my funeral, this blog. One year of my life I celebrated something every single day. Option two, hilarious/epic things that happened during my life. People should laugh at a funeral. It’s a good way to help accept the fact that someone is gone.

Bottom line, I want people to have fun. So, don’t wear black.

This is perhaps my biggest request. I do not under any circumstances want a funeral procession. It’s one thing for people who loved me to come to my funeral, but it just seems bothery to make strangers participate by stopping their cars while en route to somewhere important.

That’s really the only logistics I have set out at this point. Now let’s talk cost.

The last thing my sweet children are going to want to spend the gigantic fortune I’ve left them on is a funeral. So, I’m not going to let them. I want to have the least expensive funeral possible. When you go to a funeral home, they ask you all these questions about what kind of casket and what kind of required water tight chamber you want. My answer, the cheapest one on Earth. But ma’am, this chamber is guaranteed water tight. It is? I had no idea you all dug up those chambers and checked. There will be no state of the art water tight chamber, sorry. Besides, I want to be cremated and put in an urn from Hobby Lobby. It’s so much cheaper and I’m not exactly going to be using my body anymore. And Hobby Lobby rules.

I know that at this point you all have given up on this blog, and my sanity as a human. I’m fine with that. I just think certain things are silly, like spending too much money on a funeral. If you asked any living person if they wanted to force someone to wear black and make them sad for the entire day, they would say no. I’m pretty sure someone that recently passed away would say the same thing. I’m breaking with tradition and making my funeral a celebration. And you and I both know I’m good at celebrations.

Let’s get one thing straight, this is not the funeral plan for everyone. This is the funeral plan for me someday probably. I embrace and support however a family wants to honor someone that has died. I will gladly wear black and drive in a procession. But that’s not what I want for me. I hope you don’t totally hate my guts. I don’t totally hate your guts, just so we’re clear.

If anything I hope this made you ponder things of a more serious nature. I am rarely super serious on here, sorry to rock your world with a tonal change of pace.

I hope that you honor the senior citizens you know. They know things you don’t know. And that’s cool.





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4 responses to “Please don’t be mad.

  1. 50% off urn, please

    Sigh, I really did raise you so well.

  2. Sister Abby

    I’ll wear a snappy pink jacket with matching shoes & a hat to your funeral if you die first..

  3. Beth I was going to make the wait for the urns to go 50% off comment.
    Secondly, I will cater fuzzy’s tacos to your funeral (if I go first, it will be in writing that one of my children will cater fuzzy’s tacos with extra limes to Aunt Kate’s funeral)

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