Monthly Archives: April 2012

Inhabitants of the Gym

I go to a gym. I am not telling you this so I can drop subtle hints about the amount of pounds I lift or the reps that I do. Pounds and reps are not in my vocabulary. My gym experience is filled with things like the elliptical machine, the treadmill, the TV in the women’s locker room that always seems to be playing Basketball Wives, Zumba class, the spa. I’m not a professional gym goer.

Everyone always talks about girls that wear makeup to the gym. Everyone hates those girls. I didn’t really think they existed until this past week. They are a very very real thing. I go to the gym after work. And in the morning I use eyeshadow primer that makes my makeup miraculously stay on my eyelids for the entire day. So I walk into the gym at 6:30ish with whatever is still clinging to my face after a day of work and I feel weird about that amount of makeup. Apparently, not everyone shares my feelings. Let me walk you through a recent gym experience.

I walk into Zumba looking like a college student, because I don’t own t-shirts that don’t say Kappa on them. I haven’t figured out how to look like I graduated college. Anyway, into Zumba I go. I awkwardly stand. I don’t know how to stand naturally in a room of mirrors. I cross my arms and cross my right leg in front of my left. I pretend to stretch (harder than it sounds, by the way). I put my water and towel at the side of the room. I bring a towel, but I don’t really sweat enough to find it necessary, but I bring along to fit in.

So there I am, prepped to Zumba, and in walks the most curious of creatures. This seemingly normal girl has on bright fire engine red lipstick. Like recently applied, getting ready to go to an event of some grandeur, red lipstick. I was COMPLETELY distracted for the next hour. I could not figure out the lipstick’s purpose and in turn I could not figure out those pivot turns. I am not one to judge what makes you feel comfortable at the gym, I bring a security blanket towel, but full red lipstick? Really? Clearly I’m not a professional gym-er, but that seems like it should be against the rules. I watched lipstick girl for the majority of class. Her coordination was a curious as her lipstick. She seemed nice enough, but seriously, that lipstick. I’m still talking about it a week later.

Do you remember the episode of Friends with Phoebe’s artwork? The really creepy ones with the mannequins coming out of them? That’s sort of what that girl reminded me of. Is that mean? I’m sorry, but it’s the truth my friends.

I also discovered that Zumba is an excuse for women to dance really slutty in a very non-slutty environment. There is a lot of shaking, shimmying and and hip gyration. It’s encouraged in fact. As far as I can tell, Zumba is the only venue that slutty shaking and dancing is acceptable outside of a high school prom or a strip club. If you tried to Zumba on the streets someone would stick dollars in your yoga pants.

Inside the Locker Room.

Granted, I haven’t been into many men’s locker rooms so I don’t know what goes on in there. I assume a lot of sports chatter? Someone verify this please. But I have been in the women’s locker room and that s#%$ is cray. Let’s discuss.

Being naked is allowed in locker rooms. It’s a place to change clothes, I get it. Prancing around the place naked is a totally different story. There are women at my gym that are just naked walkers. I don’t know what their naked destination is. Walking to and from the shower doesn’t require you to be naked outside of the shower. And newsflash, I don’t want to see that. Ever. There’s a towel around half of you, just put it around all of you. This is not a nude beach or a nudist colony. Keep your nakedness to yourself.

I try to go to the gym and keep as low a profile as humanly possible, which is difficult when your arms flail while trying to pretend to be a Latin dancer in Zumba class, but I am baffled when my gym fundamentals are thwarted; naked and lipstick wearing is NOT low profile. (Is that complex-compound sentence? Can someone verify this? Is there a 4th grader reading this that is learning to diagram sentences or someone recently studying for the ACT?)

Men at the Gym

While a decent portion of my time is spent in the women’s locker room, watching Basketball Wives or on a girly machine (the elliptical), I do encounter dudes at the gym and dudes at the gym are the worst dudes of all. Here is a list.

1. You can’t support yourself on stair climber with your arms. That’s cheating.
2. I don’t care that you just purchased a killer protein shake.
3. I also don’t care that you are wearing your Chicago Marathon t-shirt.
4. Your calf tattoo is saying a lot about your personality. Although, probably not the things you want it to be saying.
5. I’ve seen you walking around more than I’ve seen you working out. Are you doing laps?
6. Two towels huh? You must be working out extra hard today.
7. Medicine balls are loud. Please stop slamming it on the ground.
8. Unless you are competing in the professional tennis circuit, please stop grunting.
9. You are at the gym. STOP holding hands with that girl. It’s germy enough in this place as it is.
10. Hey lady in my Zumba class! You aren’t Madonna and this isn’t the Super Bowl. Cool it. (Not man related, but worthy of the list nonetheless).

She was a Madonnabe. She had really poor space awareness. I hated her.

Sincerely,

Just trying to get my flex on

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Currently Obsessed With

I have a new love. A printed true love.

I am currently in love with printed pants. I’m not sure where this new love stemmed from, but it’s going full force. I am yet to purchase a pair, but I am vigilant in my research. I am searching high and low and somewhere in between to find the perfect pair.

I saw two girls wearing these a few days ago and I almost depants’d them both, you think I’m joking.

I went to find these at H&M, and they were sold out. If someone wants to mail me a pair, I would gladly assist you in that effort. They are $14.95 and they really want to come live in my closet/on my legs. These pants really spurred on my desire, nay, need for a pair or two of printed pants.

Be still my floral patterned heart. These are from Zara and they aren’t $15. They are $59.90. Worth it though. Maybe.

Not entirely sure if I can wear these. Wide leg pants tend to make my wide legs look even wider, imagine that. But I think they are pretty and I want to wear them to the beach this summer.

These are Dolce and Gabbana. Clearly not in my budget, or anyone but Beyonce and Suri Cruise’s, but I love them.

I just needed you to know what goes on in my brain. This post is probably in no way useful to you, although who am I to say you don’t like printed pants as much as me? Maybe you do.

Sincerely,

Pants with patterns. Patterns with pants.

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Where the Wind Comes Sweeping

I have lived in Chicago for 8 months and 6 days. That means I have not lived in Oklahoma for the past 8 months and 6 days, and after spending my life from the ages of 3 to 22 living in Oklahoma, I have grown quite fond. Being so far removed from a place that I love so dearly has forced me to look at the perceptions of those less fortunate that I, meaning people that have never ventured where the corn grows as high as an elephant’s eye.

I have realized that people outside of Oklahoma (more like outside of a two-three state radius, Texas gets it) have a very poor working knowledge of what lies north of the Red River. They don’t know the history or the contribution, which by the way is fairly extensive. And this is the part of the blog where I mold minds and revolutionize your thoughts on Oklahoma.

We will start with a few facts straight out of the state where Labor Conquers All. Inventions from Oklahoma include the electric guitar, shopping carts, parking meters. Famous Oklahomans include Hanson, Mickey Mantle, Brad Pitt (born in OK. BOOM.), Ron Howard, Sam Walton, Chuck Norris, James Garner, Garth Brooks. We are pumping out some talent. Chuck Norris and Brad Pitt, an Oklahoma power couple. We have a Roger and Hammerstein musical about us for goodness sake! Have you heard of noodling? That’s us too! Ever heard of cows? We have ’em! Wind power? We are using it. Oil? US! Natural gas? ALSO US! Most National Merit Scholars per capita? That would be the University of Oklahoma. Doppler radar? Us again. Sequencing in the Human Genome Project happened in Oklahoma too, bet ya didn’t know that. This is the part of the blog where my friend Shane cries tears of joy at the outpouring of Oklahoma knowledge. No one loves Oklahoma more than Shane, not even me.

The level of twitching in my right eye gets to catastrophic limits when people are judgey about Oklahoma. If I was judgey about Illinois I would assume everyone was working for the mob and involved in some government cover up scheme. While that might be true for the last several elected officials in this state, I realize it is not the case for everyone. (Although I desperately want this to happen!!). I get it, Oklahoma is smaller and less densely populated than your super state and we have land that is just that, land. I’m not entirely sure when that became a bad thing.

My ultimate point here is that just because you haven’t been somewhere or just because you don’t know anything about that place doesn’t mean it doesn’t rule. It probably does rule. And while I have grown amazingly fond of the city of Chicago, it will never in one million years replace the state of Oklahoma. And while I’m learning to appreciate the Cubs and their angst with videos like this….

Nothing will ever be more exhilarating than this….

The best part is, I’ll be touching down at Tulsa International Airport in approximately 11 hours.

Sincerely,

O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoma OK!

PS: I pinky promise not to link you to Perez Hilton’s website again.

PPS: I get asked how many miles wide the Oklahoma panhandle is all the time. I looked it up. It’s just wide enough to keep Texas at bay. Yahtzee!

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