And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I have to explain myself on countless, literally countless, occasions as to why I don’t like pets and I am finally just putting it all out there. Judge me if you must, I judge you for letting your dog lick your face.
First of all, I realize that animals can do amazing things. I realize that they can sense seizures before they happen. Guide the blind through bustling cities. Skateboard. Bring you the paper. Do tricks. And apparently love you unconditionally or something.
But here’s my issue. I don’t want to be friends with a dog. I want to be friends with a human. I want to be friends with someone who didn’t fall for Pavlov’s dirty tricks and in turn messed with his test results like I did when volunteering at the OU Psychology department.
I don’t want to be friends with someone that can’t tell me what they did that day. I want to be friends with someone that challenges me and makes me laugh. And someone that I don’t have to feed twice a day and then pick their poop up.
On top of the fact that I don’t understand forming an emotional bond with something that can’t return it, I don’t want to smell like dog. I loathe the way your hands smell after you touch a dog. It’s just gross. They lick their butts for goodness sake…….and then they lick you. No where in society is this an acceptable situation, aside from dog and owner relationships. And damn it, I’m not buying into it.
I’m sorry I don’t like your dog. I’m sure you think I have no heart. Let’s call it even.
Sincerely,
Animal free since ’93
(1993 was chosen only because it rhymes…)
The Celebrationist 
They don’t wipe. I see them all the time (not in my house) sitting on pillows or couches or chairs (and I’m certain beds too) right where someone’s (not mine…well, at least not knowingly) head will rest. Imagine if grandpa sat around the house naked and un-wiped when you weren’t there and then told you later!
I go further even, I do not like to eat in a house with cats. Dogs at least tend to stay on the floor but cats walk all over the counter tops – assume those cute little paw prints on the food prep surface came straight from the litter box!
They don’t love you! You feed them, they stay near you…maybe even like you in a way but they are animals and there is nothing unconditional about the whole ‘relationship’ – YOU have been conditioned to feed and pay attention to them.
I am starting to love your posts; I’ve only read three but I suspect I may be sitting in front of this computer a while.