And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I have to explain myself on countless, literally countless, occasions as to why I don’t like pets and I am finally just putting it all out there. Judge me if you must, I judge you for letting your dog lick your face.
First of all, I realize that animals can do amazing things. I realize that they can sense seizures before they happen. Guide the blind through bustling cities. Skateboard. Bring you the paper. Do tricks. And apparently love you unconditionally or something.
But here’s my issue. I don’t want to be friends with a dog. I want to be friends with a human. I want to be friends with someone who didn’t fall for Pavlov’s dirty tricks and in turn messed with his test results like I did when volunteering at the OU Psychology department.
I don’t want to be friends with someone that can’t tell me what they did that day. I want to be friends with someone that challenges me and makes me laugh. And someone that I don’t have to feed twice a day and then pick their poop up.
On top of the fact that I don’t understand forming an emotional bond with something that can’t return it, I don’t want to smell like dog. I loathe the way your hands smell after you touch a dog. It’s just gross. They lick their butts for goodness sake…….and then they lick you. No where in society is this an acceptable situation, aside from dog and owner relationships. And damn it, I’m not buying into it.
I’m sorry I don’t like your dog. I’m sure you think I have no heart. Let’s call it even.
Animal free since ’93
(1993 was chosen only because it rhymes…)